Review: Miss Potter

Hats off to Jerry Bruckheimer and the development team at Fox Atomic for revealing the side of Beatrix Potter that few of us have ever seen. “Miss Potter”, the most sexually explicit, shockingly violent and frankly sickening film to have come along in decades, finally makes the author of “Peter Rabbit” seem at least semi-interesting. And in a nod to extending the appeal of the film to young male moviegoers, the producers manage to focus on the key events in the author’s life that just happen to mirror those featured in recent Hollywood blockbusters.

For example, who knew that the adorable little bunnies drawn by the author actually contained hidden code, warning London’s top mob boss of impending raids by Scotland Yard? Or that Peter Rabbit was initially just a signaling device, his cute utterances coded commands for the execution of alleged “snitches” in the South London underworld? Or that when suspected, Potter herself was stripped down to sexy lingerie and interrogated/tortured extensively by a sexually ravenous gang of London constables?

Bruckheimer also one-ups the producer of “Saw” by focusing on a little known episode in Potter’s life, experienced shortly before the engagement to her publisher.
In a plot sequence missed by most of her biographers, Beatrix is trapped in a dungeon along with Oscar Wilde and D.H Lawrence – held prisoner by a mad King Edward (an utterly convincing Ludacris), who has buried the key to their chains in the lung of one of the famous authors. I won’t reveal how “Miss Potter” worms her way out of this predicament, but suffice it to say that you’ll be surprised by her dexterity with a chainsaw, and skill at nude “no holds barred” cage fighting.

Finally, the “Miss Potter” team manages to keep the audience’s interest even after the author marries her nerdy editor. In the film, this milquetoast character also happens to be a swashbuckling, sexually ambiguous pirate who leads her on all manner of high seas adventures – including a hilariously unscripted stint in the port of Kazakhstan.

One comment should be made about the craftsmanship of the film, which is considerable. Despite over 150,000 CGI shots, every exploding werewolf, disemboweled vampire, and collapsing space station looks completely real. And I understand that Miss Zelwigger refused to use a body double, even for the gynecological close-ups, of which there were many.

“Hardcore”, “unflinching”, and “sick fuck” are terms that will undoubtedly be used to describe “Miss Potter”. And I truly believe it would be an Oscar front-runner, were it not for the many restrictions placed on viewers of the film (due to its graphic nature persons with heart conditions, the Amish, and the elderly are prohibited by law from seeing it). It’s a shame that imprisoned felons are rarely Academy members, as I understand that “Miss Potter” is the toast of the maximum security prison circuit. One is almost motivated to commit a merciless hate crime just to bask in the glory of this fine piece of filmmaking.

“Review: The Latest Book by Anne Coulter” (warning: political commentary ahead)

Anne Coulter’s latest tome, “I’m Going to Kill Michael Moore’s Children”, is radically right leaning, provocative and as saucy as La Coulter herself. The diva of the far right hasn’t written anything since 2002’s “I Hope Chelsea Clinton Gets Cancer”, but we clearly can see she’s been honing her rage in the last few years.

Right out the gate, a special dedication to Mel Gibson (and interestingly, Michael Lohan), sets the tone for the book, which includes a prologue that paints Darwin as a gay abortionist who created the theory of evolution to detract attention from his underage anal rape parties.

Yet the reader who expects more reactionary rants and crackpot right wing theories from Coulter will be disappointed. After a few perfunctory pages of Holocaust denial, racist diatribes and interment camp fantasy scenarios, Coulter gets down to the real business of her masterwork – describing, in shockingly graphic detail, how she plans to personally murder the pillars of the secular Liberal establishment.

Poignantly, Ms. Coulter first reveals a bit of her own personal struggles between her ideological theories, and here we can at least be a bit sympathetic to her. For example, did you know that Anne suffers from a rare disorder that requires her to devour the blood of Democratic children every full moon in order to survive the night? Or that she is often overcome by the uncontrollable urge to don Nazi jack boots and stomp upon little puppies, a malady only partially controlled by medication?

This helps set the stage for book’s title theme, explored in detail in a chapter by the same name. Apparently, Michael Moore and other secular liberals are the core of evil, thus their spawn must be destroyed. With this rationale out of the way, Coulter is then free to describe how she will perform the murders, filling pages with highly technical explanations of sophisticated weaponry (all available at Wal-Mart), internal organ destruction, burial plans, etc. I understand that it took many weeks to complete this chapter, as Coulter was quickly seized with a series of violent orgasms each time she sat down to write it.

Readers should be warned that the most graphic explanations are reserved for the Al Franken killing scenarios, supported by detailed timelines, diagrams, and elaborate body disposal explanations. If you learn nothing else from this smart, sassy tome, you’ll at least have full knowledge of Franken’s daily schedule, home address, phone number, e-mail, and burglar alarm disable codes. One can only hope that the use of wood chippers and straight edged razors on human flesh will not splatter or otherwise sully the flawlessly blonde Coulter mane which we all know and love.