Field of Dreams 2: Field of Screams

“Field of Screams”, where Kevin Costner must kill each ghost of the 1919 Chicago White Sox before finally offing the spectre of the father that brutally molested him as a child, is vastly more emotionally authentic than the weak and minor original. And one obvious problem is solved in the opening credits: the original films’ excised strap on dildo sequence has been digitally restored and inserted in a way that feels completely organic and seamless.

“If you build it, they will come”, Costner once again hears voices and this time they want him to kick some baseball ghost ass. Before long, he’s built another baseball diamond in his back yard that quickly becomes a deliciously satisfying killing fields.

Director McG not only knows rap, hardcore sex and nudity, he knows graphically violent horror flicks. In a nice touch, each of the Chicago White Sox, from Shoeless Joe to “Lefty” Williams , soon appear, but now with a special power that makes destroying them that much tougher. To kill them, Costner must execute an elaborate dismemberment ritual, including beheading and castration - an exercise in gore that makes “Kill Bill” look like Sesame Street. But watching each Soxer die in blood spewing agony is supremely satisfying - because as we all know, all these guys were cheating, game throwing little fuckers in the first place.

Asia Carrera (“Best of China Vagina”, “Chew Mai Asian Pussy”) replaces the mousy Amy Madigan as Costner’s wife. She spices up the original yawnfest by inviting the dead players’ hot wives inside the farmhouse for a different kind of recreation with the team’s baseball bat. With Asia distracting the wives, Costner is free to stalk the blood drenched baseball field, dispatching the team with a combination of spiked nunchucks, a farm plow, and a woodchipper.

I can see where the battle between Costner and his father earns the movie its NC-17 rating. I don’t want to give away too much, but let’s just say this scene of poetic justice includes key elements of films like “Caligula” and “Star 80.” It will have every member of the audience cheering, at least as soon as they’re done becoming violently ill.

Congrats to McG, for replacing the tepid, effete original with a movie with some real balls (no pun intended). For he truly knows what makes a great American movie: porn stars, stomach churning special effects, and a hip soundtrack filled with moving favorites from the likes of Jay Z, Paris Hilton, and Tenacious D.