CSI: Cameltoe Division

CBS’s latest CSI installment, "CSI: Cameltoe Division" finally breathes life into the dowdy franchise by featuring what America has been demanding for decades: a bevy of beautiful Crime Scene Investigators whose glorious, pouting cameltoes are featured in every episode, scene and camera shot.

Julienne Moore plays the head of the Cameltoe unit – a tough, no-nonsense career veteran whose ripe cameltoe is often clad in serious fabrics like black cashmere and tartan plaid.

At her side is Kate Winslet, smart, sassy and the sexy one: not only does her cameltoe receive the most close-ups per episode; Kate’s character is literally never filmed without an enormous flesh colored popsicle in her mouth – even in strenuous circumstances like chase scenes, torture/interrogations, or physically grueling autopsies.

And finally is the newbie in the unit, a fresh faced Evan Rachel Wood, whose quivering, virginal cameltoe is ethereally bedecked in white linen and fabrics reminiscent of a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. I hope young women will see Evan, whose character advocates abstinence and self esteem, as a potential role model.

I most love how the cameltoes are flawlessly integrated into every plot, their sexual blatancy at times almost incidental. For example, in the premiere episode set in Bangkok (many of the episodes, interestingly, appear to be set here), the Julienne Moore character uses her cameltoe to help solve a crime, contorting it into any number of shapes and sizes until it matches a witness’s description (“is this him…? how about…now?”). Later in that episode, her cameltoe tackles and cuffs the perp, although how is beyond the capabilities of verbal description.

Unlike many other detective series featuring female crime fighters, in this one the women don’t flinch from getting their hands dirty. In the first few episodes, they go deep undercover as strippers, prostitutes, nudists, and in a poignant turn serving as a televised Public Service Announcement, underage cameltoe models.

A few flaws, in the interest of full disclosure: guest star cameltoes, such as those from Rosie O’Donnell and Bea Arthur, sometimes “just don’t fit”. The cameo cameltoe from CSI Las Vegas’s William Peterson is particularly jarring, and the one from Brian Dennehy is frankly horrifying. The theme song, a Bono number lamenting the plight of malnourished cameltoes, is a bit of a downer. But on the whole, I can easily understand CBS head Les Moonves’s enthusiasm for the series, to which I hear he has committed to 112 episodes. And of course the show cannot be anything but a vindication for the ACS (American Cameltoe Society), which has been pushing for more cameltoe roles on primetime television since the medium’s inception in the 1940’s.