CSI: Cameltoe Division

CBS’s latest CSI installment, "CSI: Cameltoe Division" finally breathes life into the dowdy franchise by featuring what America has been demanding for decades: a bevy of beautiful Crime Scene Investigators whose glorious, pouting cameltoes are featured in every episode, scene and camera shot.

Julienne Moore plays the head of the Cameltoe unit – a tough, no-nonsense career veteran whose ripe cameltoe is often clad in serious fabrics like black cashmere and tartan plaid.

At her side is Kate Winslet, smart, sassy and the sexy one: not only does her cameltoe receive the most close-ups per episode; Kate’s character is literally never filmed without an enormous flesh colored popsicle in her mouth – even in strenuous circumstances like chase scenes, torture/interrogations, or physically grueling autopsies.

And finally is the newbie in the unit, a fresh faced Evan Rachel Wood, whose quivering, virginal cameltoe is ethereally bedecked in white linen and fabrics reminiscent of a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. I hope young women will see Evan, whose character advocates abstinence and self esteem, as a potential role model.

I most love how the cameltoes are flawlessly integrated into every plot, their sexual blatancy at times almost incidental. For example, in the premiere episode set in Bangkok (many of the episodes, interestingly, appear to be set here), the Julienne Moore character uses her cameltoe to help solve a crime, contorting it into any number of shapes and sizes until it matches a witness’s description (“is this him…? how about…now?”). Later in that episode, her cameltoe tackles and cuffs the perp, although how is beyond the capabilities of verbal description.

Unlike many other detective series featuring female crime fighters, in this one the women don’t flinch from getting their hands dirty. In the first few episodes, they go deep undercover as strippers, prostitutes, nudists, and in a poignant turn serving as a televised Public Service Announcement, underage cameltoe models.

A few flaws, in the interest of full disclosure: guest star cameltoes, such as those from Rosie O’Donnell and Bea Arthur, sometimes “just don’t fit”. The cameo cameltoe from CSI Las Vegas’s William Peterson is particularly jarring, and the one from Brian Dennehy is frankly horrifying. The theme song, a Bono number lamenting the plight of malnourished cameltoes, is a bit of a downer. But on the whole, I can easily understand CBS head Les Moonves’s enthusiasm for the series, to which I hear he has committed to 112 episodes. And of course the show cannot be anything but a vindication for the ACS (American Cameltoe Society), which has been pushing for more cameltoe roles on primetime television since the medium’s inception in the 1940’s.

Review: Spike Lee’s “When the Levee Broke”

Spike Lee’s new HBO documentary, ostensibly about Katrina’s tragic impact on New Orleans, achieves several ambitious goals: stimulating the viewer with hot, interracial sex scenes; indicting every white man in America in the tragedy, and convincing the viewer of the intellectual and sexual superiority of the black male, specifically Mr. Lee himself.

In this HBO doc, Lee offers up multiple fascinating theories that paint the New Orleans tragedy as anything but accidental. The guilty parties encompass all manner of white celebrities, all of which had much to gain from the Katrina tragedy. Some interesting hypotheses as to what started the flood in the Lower Ninth Ward:

• The Couric Conspiracy: After the sympathy generated from her husband’s (faked) death failed to propel Katie Couric into the 6:30 pm NBC night news anchor slot, she and her very much alive husband decided to create their own scoop by forcing underprivileged black children to destroy the levees.

• Dr. Phil’s Levee Molestation: Dr. Phil rounded up hundreds of underprivileged black children in the Lower Ninth Ward, piled them up against the levee wall, and molested them so forcefully that the levee shattered, flooding the city. Conveniently, Anderson Cooper helped gather and hold down the children (see “The Couric Conspiracy” for his motivations)

• The President’s Role: Mr. Lee posits his most credible theories towards Mr. Bush, a man so mentally disabled that he still has no idea of what happened in New Orleans, much less the ability to understand elaborate concepts like “levee”, “hurricane”, or even “water”. Although Lee credits Bush with no enmity, he does propose that the president, among other things:
- was born with a condition that can euphemistically be referred to as “profound retardation”, and institutionalized from birth right up until 2 days before the Feb. 1999 Republican primary elections.
- does not even possess the intelligence to control his own bodily functions – and in fact requires the assistance of three McKinsey consultants, using instruction with sock puppets, simply to achieve a bowel movement
- regularly looses consciousness when he “forgets” to exhale, which apparently happens up to sixty times a day

But despite the machinations of whitey, Lee offers hope that New Orleans, and black America, has what it takes to ultimately recover. And what viewer could doubt the natural self sufficiency of the black man, especially after seeing the director himself performing admirably in an orgy populated by a bevy of voracious white bitches? This is indeed the Katrina that you didn’t see on The Weather Channel .

Lee closes his poignant elegy with the modest suggestion that reparations be made by granting every black man in America a “skinny white bitch” to service his needs in perpetuity. My vote is that said first white bitch be Ms. Couric herself, followed by the Olsen Twins, Nicky Hilton, and Jon Benet Ramsey, all of which, Lee insists, conspired in some way to destroy The Big Easy.