Review: Schindler’s List 2

Yo homey, get yo ass down the multiplex to catch “Schindler’s List 2”, the blacktastic sequel to Spielberg’s multiple Oscar winning masterpiece.

Despite box office success, critical praise and academy awards, “Schindler’s List” was obviously remiss in its lack of African American characters and failure to adequately capture the lifestyle of the black urban superpimp in Nazi Germany. Consequently, studio research found that few African Americans saw the film, limiting its potential to extend into theme park rides, licensed toys, video games, etc.

“Schindler’s List 2” solves the problem by introducing the character of Coolie Williams (Chris Rock), a German nigga’ whose pimpin’ livelihood is threatened by the encroaching Nazi regime. Coolie suffers multiple indignities at the hands of The Man, in this case SS troops who hassle his Jewish, Gypsy, and other minority hos. In one of the most moving sequences in the film, the homophobia of the Nazi regime is brought to vivid life when storm troopers burst in on Coolie’s lesbian hot tub fourway, arresting all participants. But fortunately, not before we get to enjoy a 30 minute scene involving baby oil, strap-on dildoes (wooden of course, given that this is 1939), and vibrators (coal-powered of course, again this is 1939). What makes this scene all the more amazing is the fact that it takes place on a cattle car headed to Aushwitz, one of many notes of historical authenticity permeating the film.

After arriving at the Nazi concentration camp, Rock joins forces with Princess Chocolate (Starr Jones), former #1 ho to Joseph Goebbels, to battle rival Nazi pimp Gunter Hergen (the riveting Kevin Federline) for control of the lucrative hooker and heroine trade at the Nazi death camp.

I certainly don’t want to give away much more, but potential critics can relax: there are ample boodilicious black chicks, a satisfyingly blaring rap soundtrack, and enough gang fights and bloodletting to satisfy even the most discerning gangsta cineaste. A few other big pluses: the sex scenes, as I’ve noted, are frequent, explicit, and lengthy; the costume design is inspired, with most of the imprisoned characters dripping with blinding gold bling and enough velvet and fur to warm an entire city; and there is a virtually endless parade of pimped out Nazi-era rides, like Princess Chocolate’s 1932 hot pink Duesenberg, complete with crushed velvet breakfast nook.

So this reviewer hopes yo bitch ass enjoys “Schindler’s List 2”, a moving and inspiring new masterpiece that now can be truly appreciated by black muthafuckas everywhere. And I look forward to the superpimp version of the Armenian Genocide of 1915, from MTV films this fall.