Sneak Preview: Quentin Tarantino’s “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”

After coming out of an advanced screening of the fourth Harry Potter film, I can honestly say that Quentin Tarantino has truly “aged up” this sagging franchise. “Order of the Phoenix” is an exploding whirligig of blood, human waste, and sexual emissions that may alienate a few die hard fans but is sure to bring millions more into the fray.

New cast members initiate the transformation: Michael Jackson is perfectly cast as the new headmaster of Hogwarts. His transformation of this legendary school of magic into a carnal playground filled with cross dressing Sinhalese male prostitutes is just what the doctor ordered. And Jenna Jameson delivers a spellbinding performance as Headmistress McGonagall, replacing Maggie Smith, who basically dialed in this role in previous installments.


Of course, Harry, Ron and Hermoine are all grown up now, and Tarantino takes great pains to make this point. The quadruple penetration scene (professor Dumbledore and Hagrid help out), punctuated with an explicit human sacrifice, erases any memory of the giggling prebubescent teens of “Harry Potters” past. Plus, it’s probably one of the most interesting opening credits that I’ve seen in a while.

Plot elements are hip and topical: Muslim terrorists run rampant through the school; Mel Gibson appears, spewing anti-Semitic expletives; Hermoine becomes a rabid anti-abortionist, then a white supremacist, then reverses course and uses her magic to perform abortions and disembowel racists; Dumbledore has a raging meth problem.

And we finally see Harry consummate his relationship with Hooter, his owl. In this richly satisfying sequence, Harry and Hooter perform a coital ballet that covers everything from brown showers to fisting to Dirty Sanchezes. . The scene is a bit awkward at first, but completely engrossing by the time its 70 minutes are played out. Best of all, anatomically correct camera angles make it hot, and opera music in the background makes it classy. PETA activists made a fuss when it was revealed that a real owl was used in this scene. However, I doubt the owl was harmed in any way, he in fact looked like he was rather enjoying himself. And as for the gerbil, I doubt that he was anything more than slightly bruised and a bit dehydrated.

I don’t want to talk too much about the controversial finale, except to confirm that yes, persons with heart problems and pregnant women should probably skip it. I have also heard that cuts will be made so that the film can be viewed by all audiences, vs. the death row inmates for whom it has been exclusively approved for viewing thus far. For my money, I believe that only one of the five extended anal rape sequences needs to be cut to get to an NC-17 rating.

Harry Potter and friends have truly grown up, and the franchise is ready to be embraced by tweens everywhere. If you don’t believe me, check out next years’ junior high school fashions – I’ll just bet they’ll include more than a few Satanic genital tattoos and swastika’d strap on dildos. See the movie and you’ll know what I mean!